THE AMELIA EFFECT
A Styled Goose Chase
To My Amelia - Rookie Mom
To my Amelia,
The past few days have been rough. You have made me feel like the rookie that I am. Some days I question my purpose as a mother. Amelia, you are this perfect being. You deserve the perfect mother. I try, but I am not that. I am so sorry I'm not that.
Lately, you cry and that's all you do. Nothing can console you. The tears that run down your face kill me inside. It's like there's something crawling under my skin making me so uncomfortable all while my heart splits into pieces. You cry because you're hungry, but refuse to eat. You cry because you haven't slept all day. You just cry. I can't fix you. I've tried everything to make you okay. I offer to feed you. No latch. I offer the bottle. That absolutely makes everything worse. I try to burp you. Nothing. I swaddle you and rock you. Absolutely not. I let you be. You hate being alone, but you currently hate being in my arms. I change your diaper and make sure your clothes are dry. You end up making everything wet again within seconds. I make sure you're warm, but not too warm. I talk to you, I sing, I read. You look at me like your problem is so obvious and I'm just not getting it. Why am I not getting it? Isn't motherhood supposed to be instinctual? I should know how to fix it. Biologically this is my job. But I don't know how to fix it. It's this epic feeling of failure.
We go to the doctor tomorrow and I pray he has the answers. Because baby girl, I miss your smile. I miss you.
I love you more than I can ever explain.